Miss-Understood. Foolish, Yet Never Malicious.

So, I'm not afraid to admit that I've made plenty of mistakes throughout my life. I am still human after all. I am well aware that I have upset people along the way and for that, I am deeply remorseful. And I'm not just saying it!

As a highly introverted person (who is in deep reflection most nights), it's not like I never noticed when someone was upset with me. Once I knew, I always felt really bad afterwards. Often to the point that I'd start berating myself heavily behind the scenes.

Truthfully, I never meant to hurt anyone. I never went out of my way to be cruel or unkind. I was never malicious by nature, and for anyone to accuse me of such... well, they clearly don't know me well enough. Throughout my life, I've had all kinds of people place their own "negative meanings" onto my actions. They created false narratives around why I did things and hence, I became the villain in their story. Sometimes it was fair because yes, I was once "young and naive" and therefore, I did things without thinking about the consequences or the impact it would have on others. While other times, more often than not, it was quite unjust. It was all self-projections which actually revealed more to me about the other person, than it ever did myself.

The fact of the matter was, I was still growing, still learning, still trying to navigate and understand the whole purpose of my life and all the challenges that had been thrown at me. Plus, I am neurodivergent (something I discovered much later in life) which regretfully, left me looking highly insensitive in certain situations because of my inability to respond to specific social cues or scenarios in an "acceptable" or "normal" manner. My random bouts of blunt honesty sometimes left people feeling rejected or hurt - mainly because they weren't ready to hear the truth. Other times, it was my foolish actions that were taken completely out of context and suddenly seen as something ill-intended when that was not the case. I also know my tardiness (i.e. always being late to things, and not really "listening") caused many to believe that I was extremely selfish and inconsiderate, although the reality was that I struggled with external distractions and time management because I am on the ADHD spectrum. I'm sure some will harshly claim that I'm "making excuses", which is highly frustrating for me, because trust me when I say that I DON'T want to be this way! I was born this way! Honestly, I don't think any "neurotypical" person would ever be able to fathom the self-hate and shame that we (neurodivergent folk) hold towards ourselves for not being able do things as effortlessly as they do. People would not realise the amount of times I had prayed just to be "normal". Sigh. Anyway, perhaps the only way that those that judge us will ever "understand" is through experiencing it through their own children or someone else very close to them? Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to "curse" anyone's child or loved one here. I'm just sharing the fact that I have learned through my own personal experiences, that the very things we carelessly "judge" or show least compassion for, often end up manifesting into our lives as big lessons. Why? To help us to shift perspectives. To help us to see the "other side" of the story. To move us towards compassion. I can't help but feel that my very existence is about paving the way for those of us who don't "fit the box". Anyway, take it from me when I say, be very conscious with what you judge in others because the universe works in mysterious ways and likes to humble our little egos. That aside, as mentioned, I am aware of my wrongdoings, and I am willing to take accountability (where reasonable) because I am more mentally and emotionally mature than most ever give me credit for. :)

Moving along...So let me give you a few examples of some of the silly mistakes I have made in the past which sadly, were often perceived as something much worst than it really was. Mind you, I am definitely not proud of any of these! There's a lot of guilt tied to these, but I also know I need to give myself grace as I did not know any better. I did not have anyone really guiding me in life.

One time, at an old workplace, a coworker had revealed to me that she had alopecia (a condition that causes permanent hair loss), and she had been wearing this beautiful, blonde wig all along. Now, I'd like to point out that many other coworkers knew about this (as they had been told by her as well), and when I found out I was in PURE AMAZEMENT! Why? Because the wig looked so damn real! In my mind, I was thinking, "WOW! Her wig looks really, REALLY GOOD!! I can't even tell it's a wig!" There were never any malicious thoughts whatsoever, nor did I ever see her differently after she had revealed her secret. That said, after finding out, I'd have this random, childlike habit of touching or stroking the ends of her hair (wig) when she walked pass me at work. Obviously, in hindsight, I realise that it was quite rude of me to do so. (I'm so very sorry...) But honestly, there was never any bad intentions behind it. It was a very innocent gesture. I just like "touching" things as I'm a person that likes to feel textures and I have a tendency to want to get the "feel" of things through my physical senses. (I guess this is my Taurean placements coming through?) Even when I walk past trees, plants, or flowers, I often stop for a moment to just touch the leaves or the bark and even smell their scent. I don't know if it's just me that does this, or whether it's a neurodivergent trait, but that's just how I am. I can't help it. I like physical touch. I like hugs. Touching things is how I express myself, my affection, and affection is my love language!

Anyway, my actions led the girl to falsely believe that I was going out of my way to make her feel uncomfortable and tease/bully her. She confided in a couple of co-workers about her discontentment towards my behaviour (highly understandable!), who thankfully, pulled me aside to tell me that the girl was very upset and I needed to stop being a "bully". Once I found out, I felt incredibly bad because that was clearly not my intention! I was just being my weird, quirky self. As soon as it was brought to my awareness, I immediately reached out to the girl and sincerely apologised for my insensitivity to her situation, and I tried my best to explain my actions. I can only hope that she genuinely understood where I came from, but I guess, I will never know. That said, I wouldn't blame her if she is still upset. I can't imagine it was easy for her to have alopecia growing up. I know firsthand what it feels like to be teased for things that are out of your control (i.e. my voice, my petite "weak" stature, my emotional sensitivities, and my ADHD behaviours that gained me labels such as "lazy" or "incapable"). Again, I am deeply apologetic. I obviously stopped with all the "hair touching" as soon as I found out. Then, before I knew it, I found myself becoming very self-conscious about how I acted around others in the office. Gradually, I discovered that it was best to just keep to myself to avoid people ever misconstruing my actions again. Side Note: being "different" is tough. It can lead us to self isolate.

On a separate occasion, whilst out having drinks with a whole bunch of coworkers (from a different workplace at an earlier time in my life), we all ended up having a big night out together, and one girl in particular, had gotten pretty drunk. Now, me being the usual "photographer" of the group, which is my natural instinct (aka "thing to do"), I ended up taking a tonne of photos throughout the evening, which yes, included photos of the girl looking tipsy (usually within a group setting). Honestly, I hadn't thought much else about it or the night, because for me, it was pretty standard. After all, I come from the party/club scene and so, most of the photos I capture are of my friends and myself "high (drunk) on life". For me, it's very normal. Anyway, I ended up posting a bunch of photos up on Facebook the following day, which again, was my usual habit because I like to share most of my memories online. It's just how I roll. If you take a look at all my photo albums on Facebook, you will find that I have hundreds of photo albums, and thousands upon thousands of photos from all sorts of events and drunken occasions. It's not like I was doing anything out of the ordinary?

Not long after posting the photos, I received a private message from one coworker about some of the pictures I had posted, specifically the ones with the "tipsy coworker" ("TC" for short). I then got told that I should take them down immediately as it was really unkind of me to post the photos as it was clearly embarrassing for TC. Mind you, I had absolutely no problem with the request, and was more than happy to do so. I actually understood where the coworker was coming from, and I could understand that if you have a certain "good girl" image to uphold, of course you don't want others to see your bad/drunk side. Okay, I got it. I understood the message. I listened and did as requested out of respect for TC and not wanting her to feel uncomfortable. I acknowledge I had made a mistake. I completely own it! No excuses. I really should have checked in with TC before posting them. Truthfully, in the past, I had never checked with anyone, and maybe this was a lesson I needed to learn? "Ask before posting!" That said, I did have an issue with how the coworker had painted me (but I did not speak up about it).

This was yet another example of someone misinterpreting my innocent actions and spinning it out of control. While I completely understand the situation, here I was, being lectured by this coworker, as if I had no heart or guilty conscience (yes, that's actually how it felt). I felt like I was being accused of intentionally wanting to embarrass another person when that wasn't the reality. I'm not a cruel person. It's definitely not how I am wired. I would never, EVER intentionally humiliate someone! I take photos as memories, as personal keepsakes of a certain point in time, an experience in my life, regardless of whether it's "good photos" or "bad photos" - it's raw, truthful, imperfect images. There's plenty of drunk and silly photos of me online. And I post it all on Facebook because that's literally where I store all my photos. It's my online photo album! It's where I keep most of my precious memories. Anyway, like I said, I have learned the lesson now. These days, I am a little more careful with what I post online when it comes to others.

After that conversation, I'm actually not 100% sure what the coworker had specifically said to TC and vice versa, but after that incident, I found my connection with TC somewhat estranged, which is a shame because we used to get along really well. I somehow felt my character had been distorted and a really "bad" picture of me had been created based on this one experience, which not surprisingly, led TC to see me in a negative light. Suddenly, it was like I was a bad influence and she should avoid me? And she did just that. Honestly, the most frustrating thing about all of this is, the coworker who acted as the middleman in the whole situation didn't even know me well. We had barely worked the same shifts together. We never had any DNMs, and because of this one "careless" incident (yes, I know I made a mistake - I'm not denying anything here), this coworker decided to forever brand me as some malicious individual. She decided to assume that I go around embarrassing people on purpose. She had no clue around the life I had lived up to that point. She had no idea about all the things I had gone through. She also had no awareness about all those I have helped over the years. She didn't know how GIANT my heart truly was! She simply came in and became this self-righteous, almighty "saviour" to TC and portrayed me out as some "villain". Yes, I know that I made a mistake, but I'm not a "bad" person. Sigh. Oh well. We live and we learn.

One final example of a "mistake" which to be frank, really is not a mistake per se, but more on how my actions have been perceived incorrectly (and this is a common one across the board), is when I don't operate or respond in a way that people "expect" me to. For example, when I don't always reply immediately to messages or return phone calls, when I don't initiate catch ups, or take the time to call and check-in on people, when I choose to keep to myself and be in my own company over frequently socialising with others, when I decline invitations out, or choose not to do "after-work drinks", when I might hang out with one group over another - well, over the decades, many have assumed that I am either "selfish", I "don't like them", I am "boring", I am "prioritising others over them because they mean nothing", or I simply don't know how to socialise because I'm a loner. Some even develop the narrative that I am "intentionally ignoring" them, when in all honestly, EVERYONE is getting ignored by me (except the ones that dare to reach out). The simple fact is, I am an introvert. HIGHLY INTROVERTED! I have regular periods of "time out" where I almost disappear off the face of the earth - I am known by those closest to me to go on sporadic, social media detoxes. Furthermore, if I'm working, or if I'm "in the zone", I am rarely on my phone. At work, I like to keep things professional. This is how I've always been. When it's time to work, I WORK. I barely touch my phone. I'm not from the generation that needs to be scrolling through their phone all the time. I'm old school in that sense. When it's time to play, I will play, but when it's time to work, or when I have other more important priorities, that's where my focus lies. Plus, here's something people need to know, MY PHONE IS ON SILENT 24/7, and sometimes it's in another room charging, NOT next to me. Oh and one other thing, I can go without social media for very long periods. I can do months without it because its not something I rely on heavily. I am very disciplined when I need to be.

Now, just because I prefer my solo time, that doesn't mean I won't ever hang out with people or that I'm not up for it. I will happily head out if people give me advance notice and lock it in beforehand. And I am actually open to new connections with those who I can feel are genuine and approach me in the right (mature adult) way. But you need to first ASK for my time and then, actually schedule it in. If you don't set it up, it just won't happen, because I'll forget. And please don't expect me to reach out to you, especially if you are the one seeking my time, because as I said, I will not. I'm an introvert - it's not in my nature to initiate catch ups or random conversations. Just because you see me out with others, don't assume that I was the one who planned it. It's usually the other way around. For the most part, it always is. I've always been that person that frequently gets invited out to social events/gatherings (people are obsessed with my energy -

I've noticed this since my teens). Plus, I already have a lot on my plate and so, I usually don't have time to go around coordinating additional catch ups on behalf of others. Like I said, if YOU want to see me, ASK and then, set up a date and time. It's really that easy. And if you can't wait your turn (lack patience and understanding around my schedule, or how I operate), that's on you. That's also going to be a red flag for me, and tell me that you're probably not a person worth my time or attention. I have set these boundaries for a reason, because in the past, I said "yes" to everyone and almost burnt out.

Also, please don't play mind games and expect me to chase you in return. I will just pull my energy back even more. If I can be honest, I hate petty mind games the most. I've "been there and done that" with so many people from my past, and honestly, I've cut every one of these immature people out of my life now (and will continue to do so). It's seriously exhausting dealing with this type of childish behaviour. I know all the tricks in the book, and it really doesn't work with me. Instead, it repels me to the core, and you automatically get placed on my "mental blacklist". If you want to get into my good books, just be straight up and honest. Ask for things. Communicate with me. Don't just ASSUME you know me like you're some professional psychoanalyst, because guess what? I'm not that easy to read! Please also don't do the whole "love bombing" and "bread crumbing" thing either. In my eyes, it is disgusting behaviour. By the way, I'm talking about platonic connections here. Please don't be all up in my energy, boasting that you "really like me, support me, miss me, and want to catch up", only to suddenly withdraw your energy because I'm not returning that same level of energy back to you (because it's not how I roll as an INTROVERT). And don't then start reappearing again (after clearly "ghosting" me), and try to drip feed a few comments here and there to get my attention, just so I don't forget your mere existence. Dude, that inconsistent, "on and off" behaviour is a NO-GO with me! Be an ADULT that asks for things correctly. NO CHILDISH GAMES!!! We are adults here.

Anyhow... this was me spilling the beans on some of the clearly foolish mistakes I have made as a "young human" in my past, and how my unique ways of being have often been misconstrued for something ill-intended, when it was certainly not. That said, the latter part of this blog was more about me sharing some insights on the inner-workings of a highly introverted person, just so my extroverted counterparts can become more aware and more importantly, so they can STOP misinterpreting our actions and placing incorrect meanings on everything we do. Us "introverts" get extremely exhausted with having to explain ourselves over and over again. We're very aware of how you (extroverts and ambiverts) work, we're always listening to your side of the story, but why oh why, can't you just for once, do the same for us? Why can't you take the time to understand that it's never, EVER been "personal". We are just wired differently. That's all. :)

End of story. Over and out.

P.S. I might as well throw in... I don't like users, opportunists, or social climbers. Please kindly stay away. I am kind, but I am not stupid. I see your game plan. :)