The Feeling of Loss...

REPOST FROM 17 FEBRUARY 2019

Please kindly note that the below blog/content is a direct 'cut and paste' from my former AROMACRAFTS website, which is now officially shut down... I did not want to lose my blog content from that page and so, I decided to move it across to my Honest Flow website (here) for my own personal memories of the "journey" I travelled to finally get here. :)

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On Friday, February 15, I experienced the feeling of loss for the first time in my life. In a sense, I know I’m lucky because it took over 35 years until I would experience this type of pain aka “life lesson”. I had experienced everything else before - from multiple heart aches (including being cheated on), betrayal, bullying, oppression, alienation, deep depression (suicidal thoughts), self-hatred and all that nonsense (plus some other “dark” stuff), but I had not yet experienced this particular life lesson.

That said, I had always known that it would eventually come... It was just a matter of time… People who have recently entered my life actually have no idea about the various types of trauma and challenges that I’ve been through. It often comes as a real shock to many, as everyone tends to assume that I have always been this “positive and happy” person that has never really “struggled”. I’ve even had friends foolishly say, “You’ve had an easy life”, without them really understanding or knowing anything about my past. No, I’m sorry, that has not been the case guys. We must remember, every one of us has our “back story”. But I digress...

Anyway, after everything I’ve been through, I still had yet to experience “loss through death”. Not until now…

On Friday we sadly bid farewell to our dearly beloved family dog, Hamish. Who’s life was just as important as any human’s. He had been in our life for a short 10.5 years and I really feel that it is not fair. It was way too soon… Don’t most dogs live over 15 years???

I keep questioning why Hamish had to suddenly get sick? Why did he have to suddenly deteriorate so quickly? One moment he was fine, then the next he became partially blind, then he started to lose his appetite, then lost all his weight, then lost all his muscle mass to the the point he was just skin and bone and could barely keep himself upright. But I could see, I COULD CLEARLY SEE he wanted to live, he wanted to soldier on. He kept thriving to live! He still had energy within him, he kept trying to push himself to stand up, to move around and to bark/speak to us! I could see that he was trying his very best. But… I could also see that he was in so much pain and agony. It was so hard to watch… It was so heart breaking… I felt torn.

Why Universe… why now? Couldn’t you have helped keep him stronger a little longer? Just a little? Another year?

Our only choice was to let him go - the day after Valentine’s Day. Whilst most people were happily celebrating Valentine’s Day with their loved ones, I spent mine sobbing in front of my partner because I knew the following day would mark THE END of Hamish’s life. I didn’t want him to leave like this, not now, NOT EVER. The thought of losing him was killing me inside.

I wonder if he even knew that it was his last day? His last breath, his last moments with us? Did he know? Did he sense anything at all? I wonder if he hates us for taking his life away without his permission? If he could speak, what would he say? Would he tell us that it’s okay and he’s happy to go? Or would he ask us to please let him stay a little longer? So many questions left unanswered…

After the vet pulled out the needle from his leg, everyone in our family collapsed and broke into tears (even my younger brother who had Skyped-in from Canada). I felt so much pain in my heart. I felt guilt and just sick all over. “We just killed Hamish!”, I thought. Just like that, we ended his little life. How selfish are we? I really regret not having spent more time with him, not ensuring that he was living a better and healthier life. So many thoughts came rushing through my mind… So much blame and self-loathing thoughts. I thought 2019 was meant to be a good year? Wasn’t it? Honestly, I started doubting everything.. I am still doubting things.

Here I am, 28 hours later since he passed… typing a blog post about all these thoughts and emotions. Pondering the “what’s” and “why’s” of life and death and why animals have such short lives? I get that they are meant to be in our lives to teach us unconditional love and compassion, but why must they be such short-lived lessons? And I keep wondering if Hamish’s soul has moved on to heaven? Or another life (reincarnated)? Or if perhaps his soul is lingering in the background watching over our family, like a guardian angel? I CAN’T feel his presence. Not one bit. I’m afraid. The one thing I am fearing and dreading the most is… what if he has ceased to exist altogether?!!? I honestly would feel so ashamed and upset with myself! I am praying so hard that his soul still exists somewhere in this universe, another dimension, another plane, somewhere, anywhere. Please, pretty please… continue to exist.

After much contemplation (and many MANY tears), I decided to dedicate a special blend in honour of Hamish. This blend will be crafted especially for anyone going through LOSS & GRIEF. When I take a step back and observe my life as it is, I know that I’m blessed because I have many amazing people around me who offer me their love and support - it makes the pain so much more bearable. But for those living all on their own… after they lose someone, who do they turn to? I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be to go through this pain all by yourself. That’s a very sad thought indeed. I hope this blend will provide support and comfort to all those suffering from any type of loss and grief.

I know in my heart, things will eventually be okay again, as the saying goes, “everything is okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”.

To be honest, I’m not sure when this blend will come into formation and be ready. I don’t even know what oils it will comprise of, but I am determined to create it in honour of Hamish because I NEVER, EVER, want to forget him or this feeling. This feeling will forever remind me to cherish the time I have now and those that I share it with… Spend more time with your loved ones folks (whether they be animals or humans), and never stop telling them you love them.

Dear Hamish, I hope you know that we loved you so very much and we’re SO SORRY for taking your life away... We hope and pray that you are in a happier a place now, a place without pain and agony. Please be well my dear, furry little brother. You are missed, always and forever. I really do love you. :(

Thanks everyone for taking the time to listen/read this post. I’m very sorry for the emotional ramblings. Tee…